A large law firm places an ad in the paper: "Assistant required. Applicant should be able to type, prepare coffee and be bilingual." The next day, a dog walks into the office holding the paper in his teeth. "Are you here for the job?" they ask him. The dog nods his head. "Can you type?" He walks over to the word processor, sits down, and surprises everyone with 65 words per minute. "Can you prepare coffee?" The dog runs over to the coffee machine, instantly changes the filter and prepares a fresh pot. "Very impressive, but are you bilingual?" The dog returns and says, "Meow."
10 Ways a Dog is Better than a Man
- Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
- Dogs miss you when you're gone.
- Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
- Dogs admit when they're jealous.
- Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
- Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch.
- You can train a dog.
- Dogs are easy to buy for.
- Dogs understand what "no" means.
- Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
These are the answers from dogs when asked "How many dogs does it take to put in a light bulb"
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweilter: Go ahead! Make me!
Shih Tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants do it!
Lab: Oh, me, me!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there!
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
- The Dog is not allowed in the house.
- OK, the Dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
- The Dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
- The Dog can get on the old furniture only.
- Fine, the Dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
- OK, the Dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
- The Dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
- The Dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
- The Dog can sleep under the covers every night.
- Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the Dog!
What is a Cat?
- Cats do what they want.
- They rarely listen to you.
- They're totally unpredictable.
- They whine when they are not happy.
- When you want to play, they want to be alone.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They expect you to cater to their every whim.
- They're moody.
- They leave hair everywhere.
- They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
- Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
- They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
- They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
- They growl when they are not happy.
- When you want to play, they want to play.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They are great at begging.
- They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
- They leave their toys everywhere.
- They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
Whose dog is the smartest?
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do match calculations. His dog was named "T-Square," and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule." He told his dog to fetch him a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.
All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned tot he union member and asked, "What can your dog do" The Teamster called his dog "Coffee Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can do." Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation, and left for home on sick leave.
Basic Dog Rules
NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot.
Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never -- quite -- catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry ... eat a shoe.
|Every day can be an adventure.
Sometimes, a bark is worse than a bite.
It's OK to get excited when you see people you like.
Playtime is important. Run, romp, and play every day.
Naps are essential and should be taken daily.
Don't be afraid to snuggle up to someone you love.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.
Be loyal and protect those you love.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
Kisses are good... even wet ones.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
Know when to hold your tongue and when to use it.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Don't mess wtih anyone bigger than you.
Play nicely with others, and they'll play nicely with you.
Stop and smell the roses... and dirt, and grass, and fire hydrants, and trees.
Things a Dog Needs to Remember
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.